Shortcut to Mushrooms

As you already know, I have decided to do something about this excess flab and being single. Firstly, here's a report on the former:

Beta no girl will marry you! Beta if not for anyone, do it for yourself. Beta, paet atle bimari nu mothership. Beta...... ohh shhuut the fuccccccccccccccck up! arrrrrrrggggggghhh!!
Multiply this feeling into seven years and then tell me how loud should my scream be. Actually it's vice versa too. Since this is regarding my father, I have been a very noble kid and tried to sympathise and sometimes empathise with the state of his mind. After all, my father had an adipose infested monster as a son on whom the innumerable man hours invested at this evenly rounded heir, just bounced off the thick walls of fat (heavily fortified that). Love you dad. Never gave up on me that man. God bless. But, aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! doesn't he get the point?
The point is that i never really found the motivation to carry on with this thing. But things changed this morning. I woke up with a dream, and things just fell into place. In a matter of seconds i knew exactly what had to be done.

Anyway this good noble beta has finally answered his father's 'constant vigilance' if i can call that and decided to finally do something about it. Yes, the beta is now on a diet. He woke up this morning and decided it was D-Day. A marched off, like he'd been preparing for this from ages, head high in the air, nose trying to hide deep within him avoiding the morning smell of breakfast, with grit and determination, tells his mommy dearest his plans and taadaa, just like that stops eating everything that could be fattening. He storms into office expecting nothing to hamper his boyish spirits and reveals the master plans to his up close and personal colleagues. Once done, he boldly closes his eyes, pride seeping in at every moment of the brave step taken, smells the air of respect, waits for that thunderous applause with baited breath... And waits.... and what the hell, opens his eyes to find one bespectacled queen of eden staring down his face, aghast at the last few words of his speech... "Urm... so, you're not eating at all today, eh?" He says, with utmost dismay, "Like duh... yeah, what was i babbling all this while?" "But it's not the right way to do it" she says.
Ab Bolo, jab na karun to waat lagta hai, aur karun to sau log aur waat lagate hai.
I know, crash dieting is not the way to go. I'm no Kareena Kapoor. These are just testing waters. This is just the beginning. So, miss bespectacled queen of eden, worry not. I shall not do anything that shall displease thy domain.
The whole day is spent in curious looks at his side and when at the end when she couldn't stand it for longer, gave fat-man a long pep talk and the whole don't be a fool and start eating thing. Tempted him with liqueur chocolates (bad bad bad girl... Satan has started polishing his chair for the rightful heir), maggie and what not. Alas! dominant will of MAN survived and the evil seductress could not charm him into her trap. But he does thank the seductress for showing some genuine concern and some valuable pep talks. He also wishes her the best for kicking the butt.

Yes, as promised he did have dinner, lovely Veg. Clear soup mommy dearest prepared and veg. raita. Nothing i don't like. Its all to easy presently. Though he dreads phase 2, which is diet plus exercise. Lets see how that goes.

PS: Children stop over reacting, i'm not sucidical and will not do anything foolish. If you can't support me, at least do not tempt me. I'll respect that.

Also, about my single status: Hmmm... he wonders if the whole seductress thing was an oppertunity... hmmmmm...

Stay tuned for more updates... Chao!

A NOTE ON TEXT and AUTHOR

Firstly, my salaams to the world of bloggers. I am not a blogger at all. Have not read many, and until some time ago, saw no point in the whole process. After all it's an open diary, a foray into my thoughts which were once guarded as 'confidential' NASA files, or like the formula to make Coca Cola. But (I have never liked starting my sentences with prepositions. BUT I think it’s accepted worldwide and there's no point in being indifferent to change. But I’ll try my best not to use them. Didn't i just... oh never mind, lets not try that hard) (moving on from two sentences above) off late i have been meaning to open up. Give the world an insight into yet another mind. So, what will i be talking about? What would be so unique about my blogs that would make you want to read 'em? Will it be rocket science....?

Naah... For starters I’ve named my blog page 'Aye-Mote' (to my firang readers this merely means "oi fat guy/man/boy"). After 22 years of being called that behind my back/on my face, i think it was time i just lived with it. I am Aye Mote. But i am not going to treat it like my own. Aye Mote will be a series of fortunes and misfortunes of FAT-MAN!!! Yes, he's a character and the protagonist of this blog. I also notice that most of you are disappointed already, i know what you're thinking, "He could have chosen to write anything, Big-Man, She-Man, Hanu-Man but no... He chooses to write about Fat-Man. Damn him!” My apologies to the people who are looking for spiritual enlightenment here but...

So before I begin, some quick F.A.Q’s about Fat-Man,
Q1: So, Who is Fat-Man? (Dhan-ta-daan, tanaa tana tana dhadaaan dum dum dum!!)
A: Fat-Man is a 22 year old Content Writer doing a very exciting desk job. He is bold, valiant, funny (see didn’t you laugh after reading that…) smart, high headed, high on energy and passion and has zest for life. Most importantly he’s a man of few words (haven’t you noticed that already…) He is basically all the adjectives that are not meant for stereotypical fat men (you have seen enough movies to know fat people can only be slapstick funny and sidekicks, wearing the worst of clothes to accentuate their curves).
Of course he’s not delusional… Paah! You infidels.
Okay, so he’s fat, he’s just a tad bit defensive, has innate ability to screw things up for himself (like royally) and has never had a girl friend (I do not want comments of 'that’s not the only purpose in life' 'cheer up'. NO Thank You.) But he’s dealing with it, learning and becoming a more socially acceptable ‘robot’. He can be a pain in the prosteriors, and as a very good friend once remarked he’s ‘annoyingly cute’.

Q2. So, he’s a stud, he’s smart and everything you said above, then why has he never had a girl friend?
A. Don’t rub it in.

Q3. So, what is this fat man going to do here?
A. He may fart occasionally (yes the stereotype) but he’s going to tell you about the travails and triumphs of a story not many people write, show or care to know about. He often complains he's not taken seriously and he now plans to take us all on a mind numbing spiritual journey. His pseudo intellect comes after spending years in solace, trying to master the secret and ancient form of Chinese astrology called Feng Shui (Pr. Fung-Shway or Fung-shwee), a name that should not be spoken after dark, and in front of infants.

Q4. If no one cared enough, why would they now?
A. Dude! Just read further, smarty pants.

Q5. Okay finally, are the blogs going to be this long? How often are you updating it? Can I have your autograph?
A. Aarrrggh! Couldn’t you have just made it question six to nine? Scum. Anyway, (question 1)Since I am a man of few words, I will always try to keep it crisp and to the point. I’ll try my hand at long blogs on popular demands. (question 2) I may also not update my blogs very so often as as stereotype also suggests, fat men are extremely lazy, and las but no the least,
(stupid question)…And… What the....???

Anyway, here’s where I end it. I hope you enjoy your journey with me. The best way to enjoy my blogs would be to shove your judgemental selves up your respectable Fannies. Since blogging is about sharing one's thuoghts it might appear that i am venting or bitching but believe me, those are exactly the intentions. So, before we lose the train of thought, lets regroup For I have a lot to say and Fat Man’s all set to get medieval on you lovely fellows. Sayonara!