SEASON 2- Its been a while....

A thousand apologies, as the sardar from 'mind your language' would say. Well if i actually sit and think, i don't owe anyone an apology. After all it's my blog. But well, we often like to fool ourselves in believing that people care, that they missed me, or what i wrote made a difference to the socio-economic scenario of the nation. Now that i think of it, it has. 

The last time a wrote a piece of euology, the world was a different place. I was single, people were rich, i had a job, Ramalinga Raju was known only in corporate circles, Varun Gandhi was just another 'young blood' with a bright future, Pakistan was still a country, Taliban was a distant threat, India was Oscar-less, I had not seen 2001: A Space Odessey, I was NOT in love, i was a few 100 movies behind and the biggest starkling difference was.... I had not yet trimmed my nostrils. Now, hold that thought for a while and then forget my absence. 

Welcome one and welcome all, to SEASON 2 of A Fat Man's Tale.

It's been a while. I Agree. 

Anyway i was reading up on 'how to vote' and i stumbled upon something hilarious... I mean, i get the whole elections are important thingy but take it easy bloke, whoever you are.

[edit]Steps

1. Apprise yourself of the political happenings in your area. Identify the next elections you would want to participate in. It is always advisable to make sure that you vote in all local and assembly level elections- You'll be surpised my boy.
2. Talk yourself into it. Despite the more than occasional political turmoils and mishaps in the country, convince yourself that your vote will make a difference.- I'm talking, it's just that, my mind knows better. 
3. Wake up late. Good thing is that there is a holiday on the day of elections so you can get up late. Take advantage of this time to visit a place of worship(if you are a theist) and pray for all candidates, country and people. This will help you clear your mind and be more judicious in your approach.- Are you fuckin' kidding me? 
4. Meditate for a while and dwell on all the candidates. If you have not already read their manifestos then now is the time. - Yes, it's your last chance to read between the li(n)es.
5. Remember it is a secret ballot so don't discuss your vote with others, especially your neighbours. Its a time waste and may lead to unnecessary debate. Make up your mind and remember the associated symbol of the candidate.- Failing which you shall be considered a threat to national security and executed without trial. 
6. Register. If you don't have a voters card make sure that your name is in the voters list. You should do this at least a week before elections. Usually, people from the election commission will come to your house for verification. But if they don't turn up do make sure that you register yourself voluntarily.
7. Go around afternoon to vote, this way you can beat the crowd as people usually avoid heat and come in the mornings.- You really are my friend aren't you now?
8. Sign in. Once you reach the voting center, go to any of the desks set up by various political parties and ask them if your name is there. This is to double check that you are a registered voter.- Also known as a 'reality check'.
9. Go inside and stand in the queue, when your turn comes state your and your father's name. That's all they will ask. They will mark you with an indelible ink on your nail. It cannot be removed with most kinds of Nail-polish removers and thinners. It is a security measure to ensure that each individual votes only once.- Even if you're not there, but thats a different story for another day.
10. Look for the machine. Once inside the room, you will find a machine in the corner with an enclosure around.- Sometime's it's well hidden. Try the back pocket of the man with a gun in the corner of the room. 
11. Press the symbol of the candidate. If it is a manual system, which is now becoming rare, then you need to stamp the right symbol on a ballot paper and put it in a box.- or take the box home, it doesn't matter really. 
12. Stay there for a few seconds to make sure everything is fine and the machine is not beeping. This can happen due to an error.- if it beeps, you're again a threat to national security and you shall be executed immediately. 
13. Come home and relax. You have done your part. Enjoy the remaining day.- in guilt.

The Voice of Sauron!

The morning sun showed brightly through his window. It was unusual as it had been raining incessantly from the past two days. Even the ones who loved the grey sky were clouded by the gloom. The sight of the sun was refreshing. "All set for a perfect day", he said to himself and just as he was about to rise from his bed he remembered a happening. He spent a while contemplating if it was a dream or his worst dream. It turned out to be his latter. And everything came back to him with lightening speed. It was previous night.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you, is there ANYTHING that will make you happy?” "You're a horrible, horrible man", his mind said to him. He's been having this bashing from quite some time. His alter ego it seemed was giving him a real piece of its mind. The last words echoed so loud, he feared the people in the house could hear this scream. "YES you're horrible and hopeless", "You don't deserve anything... you should be isolated and thrown into a dark corner, you fat lump of flesh", the voice continued. "But I’m a good person", he said to himself. "I'm not doing this by choice. I don't know what's gotten into me. Life is perfect, I'm quitting my job, I’m moving on, I’ve good friends who're happy for me, I have a beautiful girl who cares for me and I don't....", "Oh cut the crap. Be a MAN and say it. Say that you're weak, say that you love the pain, SAY IT!!", and in his own wild thoughts he starts to sob like a six year old who's been denied his favourite cartoon show in the pretext of a happier, bedtime. He's used to this. After all that's what life has been all about, a cry from within and a smile on the outside. He smiled when the ones he loved left him, he smiled when people judged him, and he smiled when his friends used him. He's used to this. But the tears haven't stopped and neither has even one escaped his eye. It's all inside. And in between the wails, the occasional mumbles of, ".....bbut... I..i..'m... i'm a ggg...ood p.pperrsson...." is barely heard over the echoing shrieks, "You're HORRRRIBLE, HOPELESS, you don't deserve ANYTHING".

He scrambles out of bed, and gets to his morning chores. "What happened last night was a mistake... of course it was a mistake... you cannot throw away something you've waited for so long." the voice pleaded. But he knows his heart is lighter. The weight has gone of his chest.
It feels like a thousand hands pressing against his heart have all decided to take a break. He knows what this means. "NO YOU DON'T, You firkin’ lard of pig! Do you know what it is? How can you? When HAVE you ever felt so luvvved that you're concluding that it’s choking you? HOW can you decide?" “THEN WHO CAN?" he shouts back. "WHO CAN? TELL ME!" “CAN YOU?” “I wish I could", says the voice now calmer, suspecting a lost point.

"It's been 22 years", he says to himself.

He's been waiting for this feeling for eternity. And finally, an angel came by, she saw him, didn't judge him, she was there, unconditionally. Unconditionally....

"It's all coming back... unconditionally.... unconditionally... this word, I don't like it. I've done this before. I've thrown it away. I don't like it".

His grandmother flashes before his eyes. He sees the love in her eyes. “Unconditional. YES, that’s the word. They were hopeful, those eyes" he thinks, "They had all the love in the world." They had love, something no one gave him.

All eyes judged. Her eyes loved.

"I was a kid. I was not to be judged, I was to be loved." he consoled himself. And now she's no more. He's done this before. Thrown it way. "All that the woman gave was love, and you couldn't even give THAT back to her." said the voice.

"I'm a horrible man", the voice was his own.

"I'm sorry, for I know not how to give love. Unless I choose to give it to people who wont take it.", "it's always happened.” “In the pursuit of 'finding' love, i've thrown away what's come to me, Unconditionally."

"I wish I could love my grandmother, more than I did, and i hope to god, I can love the woman who loves me now, more than I do."

"Sigh..."

When numb is just a colour

Buuuuurrrrrrppppp!!! hello ladies and ladas, meherbaan, kadardaan aur meri jaan, muafi maangta hun for this long absense and well what the hell, it's my blog i update it whenever the hell i want.

A lot has happened since my disappearence. The Indian Olympic contingent of a few athletes (chosen through lucky dip of course) reached the land of the Orient and managed to steal three medals and suddenly, everyone has an opinion on sports that never mattered to them (me included bhai). I bet Abhinav will have to shell out for his own ticket for the next Olympics. After all, how far will all-India free air and train tickets take you? Plus the IOC is already on the roads after joor-shoor se announcing prizes for our 'heroes'.
One wonders how they managed to arrange so much money from their chit fund when they, until then, didn't have enough to provide decent grounds and gear to our orphan athletes.

Anyway we have more pressing issues to deal with.

So moving on, my diet, ahem, pardon that burrrrp in the first sentence, is going really really good. Onlookers and eye witnesses account a sudden change in my skin tone, weight, complexion, and shoe size...

On the slightly serious note, the diet is pretty ok, not as it used to be at least. Been taking my liberties. I think i should start working out... (and starts sobbing unconsolably at the mere thought of physical starin)

The people who followed this piece of goulash should be wondering about what happened to to my wow for doing something about my single life. Guess what... It worked! Something did happen to my single life. The possible prospects for my call to action have been permanantly deleted from the files.
All chances of something happening do exist though. Just like the chances of my ancestors 'Gandalal Jigneshbhai and family' (The first family in the history of mankind) meeting the other camera obcessed 'Adam and Eve'. Pah! if only they knew how we used to wear 22 karat jewellery and zari sarees and dhotis to sleep when they were roaming around butt naked.
Anyway, the point is life is not like the last scene of 'The Dark Knight' where the hero gets a fancy narrative in the background by his 'voluntary' accomplice when all he does is run for his life... (I'm going to be so murdered for this... but .... hehehehehehe)

Sometimes things are just meant to numb you. Like the empty colour you see when you close your eyes. You're not affected by the disappointment and neither over joyed that you never really took it that seriously. If this is equillibrium, i quite like it, though it does get awefully boring.

Anyway, events in life unfolding are, pretty retrospective, intropective and spective. (would it be called just retro, intro and ____ if i didn't wear glasses? Man! English is such a derogatory language) People who moved away, came back, have now been made to move away again. (Guess they came back for my ego polishing... hehehe)

Anyway, the point is, there are people who'll always be there for you, there are people who wont. But the ones who really hurt are the one's who'll instill hope and not care. And what happens to you? You just stand there, being there for them, waiting for them to care, and by the time you realise, you've expected too much.

No place for people like these anymore. Not with me. Time to be selfish. Time to be hungry (like the dieting isn't killing). Time to be foolish.

P.S. My antar aatma is getting a royal call for duty, thanks to my not so conventional cousin, and our two hour talks about everything that has no solution to it. I wonder if i'm changing. Or getting older ( 3 bastardly children i happen to give a lift on a dark rainy night on my Avvy, yes all three, yes at once, with me, and my bike! (you suspicious bitches) They were calling me uncle incessantly. Bastards! Nice kids though).

Until we meet next time, blow pookies of you bums! Sayonara!

Shortcut to Mushrooms

As you already know, I have decided to do something about this excess flab and being single. Firstly, here's a report on the former:

Beta no girl will marry you! Beta if not for anyone, do it for yourself. Beta, paet atle bimari nu mothership. Beta...... ohh shhuut the fuccccccccccccccck up! arrrrrrrggggggghhh!!
Multiply this feeling into seven years and then tell me how loud should my scream be. Actually it's vice versa too. Since this is regarding my father, I have been a very noble kid and tried to sympathise and sometimes empathise with the state of his mind. After all, my father had an adipose infested monster as a son on whom the innumerable man hours invested at this evenly rounded heir, just bounced off the thick walls of fat (heavily fortified that). Love you dad. Never gave up on me that man. God bless. But, aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! doesn't he get the point?
The point is that i never really found the motivation to carry on with this thing. But things changed this morning. I woke up with a dream, and things just fell into place. In a matter of seconds i knew exactly what had to be done.

Anyway this good noble beta has finally answered his father's 'constant vigilance' if i can call that and decided to finally do something about it. Yes, the beta is now on a diet. He woke up this morning and decided it was D-Day. A marched off, like he'd been preparing for this from ages, head high in the air, nose trying to hide deep within him avoiding the morning smell of breakfast, with grit and determination, tells his mommy dearest his plans and taadaa, just like that stops eating everything that could be fattening. He storms into office expecting nothing to hamper his boyish spirits and reveals the master plans to his up close and personal colleagues. Once done, he boldly closes his eyes, pride seeping in at every moment of the brave step taken, smells the air of respect, waits for that thunderous applause with baited breath... And waits.... and what the hell, opens his eyes to find one bespectacled queen of eden staring down his face, aghast at the last few words of his speech... "Urm... so, you're not eating at all today, eh?" He says, with utmost dismay, "Like duh... yeah, what was i babbling all this while?" "But it's not the right way to do it" she says.
Ab Bolo, jab na karun to waat lagta hai, aur karun to sau log aur waat lagate hai.
I know, crash dieting is not the way to go. I'm no Kareena Kapoor. These are just testing waters. This is just the beginning. So, miss bespectacled queen of eden, worry not. I shall not do anything that shall displease thy domain.
The whole day is spent in curious looks at his side and when at the end when she couldn't stand it for longer, gave fat-man a long pep talk and the whole don't be a fool and start eating thing. Tempted him with liqueur chocolates (bad bad bad girl... Satan has started polishing his chair for the rightful heir), maggie and what not. Alas! dominant will of MAN survived and the evil seductress could not charm him into her trap. But he does thank the seductress for showing some genuine concern and some valuable pep talks. He also wishes her the best for kicking the butt.

Yes, as promised he did have dinner, lovely Veg. Clear soup mommy dearest prepared and veg. raita. Nothing i don't like. Its all to easy presently. Though he dreads phase 2, which is diet plus exercise. Lets see how that goes.

PS: Children stop over reacting, i'm not sucidical and will not do anything foolish. If you can't support me, at least do not tempt me. I'll respect that.

Also, about my single status: Hmmm... he wonders if the whole seductress thing was an oppertunity... hmmmmm...

Stay tuned for more updates... Chao!

Gibbers

Fat Man has got holes in his pockets. He just went on a mind numbing trip to the eternal holiday destination, Goa and managed to spend more than the cost of a return ticket to Singapore.

There is something about Goa and pocket holes. The last time he was there, he coolly got mugged and ended up spending twice the amount he intended to. This time round he wanted to play safe, be the smart one. Managed to spend exactly how much he earns in a month. Yes, he blew up his entire salary within the first week of the month. Needless to say Fat Man starts dieting and cutting down on carbs very soon.

Anyhoo, he needs motivation to cut down on his excessive flab ( Yeah i know fat-man is all cool and hep but i think he's nearing a cardiac arrest sooner than he intends to be dead). He's stopping all packaged food and eating out completely starting today. Lets see how long he can get this thing going.

In other news, I think he's had it with being single and intends to do something about it soon. Seems like he's going to have to work on his 'Magic' thing now (no the 'magic' thing is not what you perverts are thinking about, that's working fine thanks). Wonder what it is. But he'll find it and work his charm on it. He's also confused about certain developments in his life. Needs some clarity. The situation is not desperate but needs attention. He's waiting for the 27th and hopes something that hasn't happened before, happens. Also, just like every other time, the back of his brain is on high alert and is throwing warnings about definate perpetual disappointment. It will be just another day it tells me. It might. After all, its always been just another day. Nothing special, nothing at all.

A Shadow of the Past...

The earth is so blue, there are butterflies too,
Life's like a dream, the best bowl of ice cream,
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, running askew my thoughts in a funnel,
I enjoy the blur, When good things happen...

Its December in May, even at night there's hay,
Roses are red and violets are blue, I just can't think straight what can I do?
A never ending dream sequence, Never ending its true,
Wake up! Wake up! I scream, When good things happen...

The shadows are close enough to smell them, the light in the tunnel is so strong that its blinding
I ask for more time and I know I have none, I ask for a reason and still there are none,
I have been good, been patient, don't I deserve this for longer?
My soul is exposed, the barrier is breached as, the scent of the shadows is all to familiar,
When good things happen… It’s scary.

A NOTE ON TEXT and AUTHOR

Firstly, my salaams to the world of bloggers. I am not a blogger at all. Have not read many, and until some time ago, saw no point in the whole process. After all it's an open diary, a foray into my thoughts which were once guarded as 'confidential' NASA files, or like the formula to make Coca Cola. But (I have never liked starting my sentences with prepositions. BUT I think it’s accepted worldwide and there's no point in being indifferent to change. But I’ll try my best not to use them. Didn't i just... oh never mind, lets not try that hard) (moving on from two sentences above) off late i have been meaning to open up. Give the world an insight into yet another mind. So, what will i be talking about? What would be so unique about my blogs that would make you want to read 'em? Will it be rocket science....?

Naah... For starters I’ve named my blog page 'Aye-Mote' (to my firang readers this merely means "oi fat guy/man/boy"). After 22 years of being called that behind my back/on my face, i think it was time i just lived with it. I am Aye Mote. But i am not going to treat it like my own. Aye Mote will be a series of fortunes and misfortunes of FAT-MAN!!! Yes, he's a character and the protagonist of this blog. I also notice that most of you are disappointed already, i know what you're thinking, "He could have chosen to write anything, Big-Man, She-Man, Hanu-Man but no... He chooses to write about Fat-Man. Damn him!” My apologies to the people who are looking for spiritual enlightenment here but...

So before I begin, some quick F.A.Q’s about Fat-Man,
Q1: So, Who is Fat-Man? (Dhan-ta-daan, tanaa tana tana dhadaaan dum dum dum!!)
A: Fat-Man is a 22 year old Content Writer doing a very exciting desk job. He is bold, valiant, funny (see didn’t you laugh after reading that…) smart, high headed, high on energy and passion and has zest for life. Most importantly he’s a man of few words (haven’t you noticed that already…) He is basically all the adjectives that are not meant for stereotypical fat men (you have seen enough movies to know fat people can only be slapstick funny and sidekicks, wearing the worst of clothes to accentuate their curves).
Of course he’s not delusional… Paah! You infidels.
Okay, so he’s fat, he’s just a tad bit defensive, has innate ability to screw things up for himself (like royally) and has never had a girl friend (I do not want comments of 'that’s not the only purpose in life' 'cheer up'. NO Thank You.) But he’s dealing with it, learning and becoming a more socially acceptable ‘robot’. He can be a pain in the prosteriors, and as a very good friend once remarked he’s ‘annoyingly cute’.

Q2. So, he’s a stud, he’s smart and everything you said above, then why has he never had a girl friend?
A. Don’t rub it in.

Q3. So, what is this fat man going to do here?
A. He may fart occasionally (yes the stereotype) but he’s going to tell you about the travails and triumphs of a story not many people write, show or care to know about. He often complains he's not taken seriously and he now plans to take us all on a mind numbing spiritual journey. His pseudo intellect comes after spending years in solace, trying to master the secret and ancient form of Chinese astrology called Feng Shui (Pr. Fung-Shway or Fung-shwee), a name that should not be spoken after dark, and in front of infants.

Q4. If no one cared enough, why would they now?
A. Dude! Just read further, smarty pants.

Q5. Okay finally, are the blogs going to be this long? How often are you updating it? Can I have your autograph?
A. Aarrrggh! Couldn’t you have just made it question six to nine? Scum. Anyway, (question 1)Since I am a man of few words, I will always try to keep it crisp and to the point. I’ll try my hand at long blogs on popular demands. (question 2) I may also not update my blogs very so often as as stereotype also suggests, fat men are extremely lazy, and las but no the least,
(stupid question)…And… What the....???

Anyway, here’s where I end it. I hope you enjoy your journey with me. The best way to enjoy my blogs would be to shove your judgemental selves up your respectable Fannies. Since blogging is about sharing one's thuoghts it might appear that i am venting or bitching but believe me, those are exactly the intentions. So, before we lose the train of thought, lets regroup For I have a lot to say and Fat Man’s all set to get medieval on you lovely fellows. Sayonara!